Ode to Pavlov

Today I found out about another poor soul diagnosed with the "C" word. A teacher at my youngest's daycare has a daughter who was just diagnosed with lymphoma. Hearing the news brought me back to the day I was diagnosed.

Interestingly enough, I was informed I had breast cancer when I was technically at a business luncheon. The truth of the matter, I was with three women I work with and luckily am extremely close to. My colleagues knew I was waiting for a phone call but we all assumed it would be a phone call to set up an appointment to let me know the results of my biopsy. I answered the call on my cell phone and ran to the women's room so I could arrange what I assumed would be an office visit to happen that day. The "diagnosis counselor" I was working with proceeded to tell me on the phone in the bathroom at a restaurant that yes, I had breast cancer. From the very beginning I was put in the position to treat my diagnosis as casually as receiving a phone call at lunch. I know it sounds horrible but the manner in which I received my diagnosis set the tone for how I approached my treatment.

The probability of developing breast cancer in a woman's lifetime is 1 in 8 according to the American Cancer Society. So why do we all have such a Pavlovian response to a cancer diagnosis? When I heard about my daycare teachers daughter today I responded the same way I see people initially respond to my news. Almost as if it were a death sentence. We all go right to the worst case scenario. None of us can help our instinctual response to a cancer diagnosis. So many of us have lost loved ones to the horrid disease. But after delving into the literature on breast cancer treatment thanks to incredible advances made as little as three years ago the outcome of such a diagnosis is night and day compared to what it was 20 years ago. We have come a long way baby!

My heart goes out to this young daughter diagnosed with lymphoma. I have a "chemo buddy" who kicked the ass out of lymphoma, I wish the same for her. My advice would be keep a kick ass attitude and buckle up for the ride because you will be brought to an emotional and physical state few ever see.

To everyone following this blog. Each and every one of you represent a building block of my support network. Thank you for taking the time to listen. If you know of any person who may be in need of support during a difficult time forward them on to me. Misery loves company! Strength in numbers!

Thank you

Caution: Not for the weak of heart

OK, so I want to share with you a morbid observation I recognized this morning. Now for those of you who are aware of how I am, this is your warning that I am going to get REALLY deep. Some times experiencing one of these profound, spiritually transforming (as new age as it sounds) awakenings puts you in the position to sit in the mirror and stare. I mean really look at yourself spiritually and not just at the image staring back at you. Like listening instead of hearing, something I am trained to recognize because of my "fruitful" Communications degree. As I stare in the mirror with no hair I look at my face, my bone structure, my eyes, my nose, and I am saying hello to the family members I have lost when they were my same age. I think that is the hardest part of all this. There is something comforting yet at the same time haunting, our family doesn't have a good track record when it comes to fighting diseases in our thirties. But I am here to improve this track record, I want to be able to enjoy my tummy tuck and boob job. I WILL be wearing a bikini this summer when I go to the Jeresey Shore!

Another Difficult Day

Yesterday was the most difficult day yet. The emotion involved in the shock of being diagnosed with breast cancer is tough enough to deal with. What hit me yesterday was the realization that this has and continues to change me as a person.

What relaxes me, what I look forward to doing, it's all different. You know those final minutes right before you fall asleep you take a trip into the future, to an upcoming event that you just cannot wait for. You allow yourself to imagine how fabulous and fun it will be, a vacation, a party, apple picking with the girls, going to the museum and catching lunch at our favorite pub. It's all different. I am forced to stop and think, what do I really look forward to? What makes me happy?

I tell all of you that this compounded by the fact that my hair continues to fall out in mass quantities sent me into an utter emotional tail spin. This illness is the most profound experience I have ever been through. I have been stripped to the very core of who I am. I have gained appreciation, lost patience, I am barely in control of the emotions that wash over my every mood.

It is for this reason I am thankful to each and everyone of you for listening and giving me feedback. This is such an incredible journey, part of me wants it to be over because it is scary and another part of me wants to make certain I don't wish it away like so many times in the past."I can't wait to be NOT pregnant anymore"; "I can't wait to be done with Grad school"; "I can't wait until this wedding is over" so much of my life has been wished away.

I wake up a different person today than I was yesterday. And the girls don't have school and are already on my last nerve! It is only 9:30am and I am wondering when Al gets home!

HER2 cancer

An interesting post on HER2 Cancer. This is the type of cancer I have.

http://thinkpinker.com/blog/2008/10/31/aggressive-breast-cancer-%e2%80%93-finally-answers/

I do want to mention that thanks to drugs like Herceptin (my once weekly infusion for the next year) this type of cancer is very aggressive but it is very curable.

It's The Hair

Yesterday was the day my hair finally really started coming out. The whole shaved head thing was difficult for me. I really thought I was going to be OK with it but walking around looking like Annie Lenox did not work for me. The first wig I bought on line looked silly. It was just too big for my head. So I went to the mall with my Mom today and bought 3 more. They are all fun in different ways. But because I had a major chemo infusion on Thursday I was totally out of it. Tired, dizzy, cranky, dopy beyond belief because of all the meds but Mom and I persevered. We even fit in a couple of outfits and pairs of shoes between her and I. Ahhh, retail therapy!

My sister-in-law (my husbands step-brothers wife, I know it's complicated) is my savior. She is a massage therapist on top of being one of those types of people who know what I am going to say before I say it. She is simply too good to me! She has offered to give me a massage tomorrow which has really helped with my state of mind. Because I have been feeling a little down (vs. my happy and positive all the time for no good damn reason)

I have been trying to proactively address fighting depression using meditation and massage. I feel as though it has helped. It is hard to be good to yourself when you have 3 kids, a new house you still feel as though is not yours yet, a full time stressful job, weekly plus infusions, a barrage of constant Dr. appointments, I have to stop there or I will through myself over the edge! Who has time to take care of you?

It's the hair, I feel like the freak cancer patient walking around with no hair. Oh well, welcome to my new world.

Good night friends!! Love you!!