Yesterday was the most difficult day yet. The emotion involved in the shock of being diagnosed with breast cancer is tough enough to deal with. What hit me yesterday was the realization that this has and continues to change me as a person.
What relaxes me, what I look forward to doing, it's all different. You know those final minutes right before you fall asleep you take a trip into the future, to an upcoming event that you just cannot wait for. You allow yourself to imagine how fabulous and fun it will be, a vacation, a party, apple picking with the girls, going to the museum and catching lunch at our favorite pub. It's all different. I am forced to stop and think, what do I really look forward to? What makes me happy?
I tell all of you that this compounded by the fact that my hair continues to fall out in mass quantities sent me into an utter emotional tail spin. This illness is the most profound experience I have ever been through. I have been stripped to the very core of who I am. I have gained appreciation, lost patience, I am barely in control of the emotions that wash over my every mood.
It is for this reason I am thankful to each and everyone of you for listening and giving me feedback. This is such an incredible journey, part of me wants it to be over because it is scary and another part of me wants to make certain I don't wish it away like so many times in the past."I can't wait to be NOT pregnant anymore"; "I can't wait to be done with Grad school"; "I can't wait until this wedding is over" so much of my life has been wished away.
I wake up a different person today than I was yesterday. And the girls don't have school and are already on my last nerve! It is only 9:30am and I am wondering when Al gets home!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Another Difficult Day
Posted by Sazum at 9:12 AM
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2 comments:
Stephie'
Please don't hesitate to call me and pour you poor little heart out. Sometimes you need to just let it all out and stop having that brave stiff upper lip.
I'm also here to hear for the girls. If Abby especially, only because she one time just out of the spur of the moment wanted to talk to grandma when Alb was babysitting them... if she ever wants to talk to me, if I'm not here at the moment, I'll call her back ASAP, and if I'm here, I'll drop everyting to talk. That goes for Amelia and Audrey as well. And I've already told Alb to call for any reason at all.
LOVE,
Ma/Mary Jo/Grandma
PS We can have Thanksgiving down here if need be.. or get together later on in the weekend... I'm up to playing this by ear.
F**k hair. My hair is semi-green now, after I tried to dye it brown. I was attempting to go back to something closer to my original hue when the mishap occurred. Now, I'm afraid to dye it again, since it's been treated so many times, it might just break off or turn another shade not found in nature.
Plus, my hair never curls, is straw-like in feeling, and is thin as gnat wings. Sometimes I feel like just shaving it off! Let me know if you need company and I will.
So if you wake up in the morning and you wish you had a beautiful head of hair....you're not alone! Hang in there, girl. We're pulling for you.
love you....Jo
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