What a Fabulous Thanksgiving

I had thirty three family and friends over for Thanksgiving. My Dad and my baby brother were gracious enough to provide a catered three turkey, one ham, and all of the sides you could imagine for a Thanksgiving feast. My house was transformed into what felt like a restaurant thanks to my Mom and Aunt J. But what was really special about the gathering was the people around me. There is no better treatment than to have a room full of people who have provided me with the strength through their own actions and reactions to difficult situations life throws at you. These are the people, parents, brothers, cousins, Uncles, Aunts, In-laws, that have provided me with many lessons through example on how to rise above terrifying, devastating, difficult situations life throws at all of us. I like to call this strength in numbers. (I need to have this saying on my tattoo, along with humor and confidence) I think that the last time I had this much fun at a party was at my wedding.

Many of my guests traveled from very far away to be with me on Thanksgiving. I am so lucky and blessed to have an awesome, supportive, fun loving family. I want to thank each and everyone of your for making that trip.

My sister-in-law, Nikki, was kind enough to spend extra, much appreciated, time with all of us. Makes me wish she lived a lot closer. I could enjoy the conversation on a regular basis!

I have just received my second to last chemotherapy. I am approaching this treatment very differently. I am going to rest, for real, and will be receiving acupuncture on Friday to help combat the dreaded side effects. My least favorite of which is fatigue. Not being capable of getting out of bed is simply maddening. I will not let it happen this time! I will keep you all posted.

I hope everyone had as wonderful a Thanksgiving.

Ode to Pavlov

Today I found out about another poor soul diagnosed with the "C" word. A teacher at my youngest's daycare has a daughter who was just diagnosed with lymphoma. Hearing the news brought me back to the day I was diagnosed.

Interestingly enough, I was informed I had breast cancer when I was technically at a business luncheon. The truth of the matter, I was with three women I work with and luckily am extremely close to. My colleagues knew I was waiting for a phone call but we all assumed it would be a phone call to set up an appointment to let me know the results of my biopsy. I answered the call on my cell phone and ran to the women's room so I could arrange what I assumed would be an office visit to happen that day. The "diagnosis counselor" I was working with proceeded to tell me on the phone in the bathroom at a restaurant that yes, I had breast cancer. From the very beginning I was put in the position to treat my diagnosis as casually as receiving a phone call at lunch. I know it sounds horrible but the manner in which I received my diagnosis set the tone for how I approached my treatment.

The probability of developing breast cancer in a woman's lifetime is 1 in 8 according to the American Cancer Society. So why do we all have such a Pavlovian response to a cancer diagnosis? When I heard about my daycare teachers daughter today I responded the same way I see people initially respond to my news. Almost as if it were a death sentence. We all go right to the worst case scenario. None of us can help our instinctual response to a cancer diagnosis. So many of us have lost loved ones to the horrid disease. But after delving into the literature on breast cancer treatment thanks to incredible advances made as little as three years ago the outcome of such a diagnosis is night and day compared to what it was 20 years ago. We have come a long way baby!

My heart goes out to this young daughter diagnosed with lymphoma. I have a "chemo buddy" who kicked the ass out of lymphoma, I wish the same for her. My advice would be keep a kick ass attitude and buckle up for the ride because you will be brought to an emotional and physical state few ever see.

To everyone following this blog. Each and every one of you represent a building block of my support network. Thank you for taking the time to listen. If you know of any person who may be in need of support during a difficult time forward them on to me. Misery loves company! Strength in numbers!

Thank you

Caution: Not for the weak of heart

OK, so I want to share with you a morbid observation I recognized this morning. Now for those of you who are aware of how I am, this is your warning that I am going to get REALLY deep. Some times experiencing one of these profound, spiritually transforming (as new age as it sounds) awakenings puts you in the position to sit in the mirror and stare. I mean really look at yourself spiritually and not just at the image staring back at you. Like listening instead of hearing, something I am trained to recognize because of my "fruitful" Communications degree. As I stare in the mirror with no hair I look at my face, my bone structure, my eyes, my nose, and I am saying hello to the family members I have lost when they were my same age. I think that is the hardest part of all this. There is something comforting yet at the same time haunting, our family doesn't have a good track record when it comes to fighting diseases in our thirties. But I am here to improve this track record, I want to be able to enjoy my tummy tuck and boob job. I WILL be wearing a bikini this summer when I go to the Jeresey Shore!

Another Difficult Day

Yesterday was the most difficult day yet. The emotion involved in the shock of being diagnosed with breast cancer is tough enough to deal with. What hit me yesterday was the realization that this has and continues to change me as a person.

What relaxes me, what I look forward to doing, it's all different. You know those final minutes right before you fall asleep you take a trip into the future, to an upcoming event that you just cannot wait for. You allow yourself to imagine how fabulous and fun it will be, a vacation, a party, apple picking with the girls, going to the museum and catching lunch at our favorite pub. It's all different. I am forced to stop and think, what do I really look forward to? What makes me happy?

I tell all of you that this compounded by the fact that my hair continues to fall out in mass quantities sent me into an utter emotional tail spin. This illness is the most profound experience I have ever been through. I have been stripped to the very core of who I am. I have gained appreciation, lost patience, I am barely in control of the emotions that wash over my every mood.

It is for this reason I am thankful to each and everyone of you for listening and giving me feedback. This is such an incredible journey, part of me wants it to be over because it is scary and another part of me wants to make certain I don't wish it away like so many times in the past."I can't wait to be NOT pregnant anymore"; "I can't wait to be done with Grad school"; "I can't wait until this wedding is over" so much of my life has been wished away.

I wake up a different person today than I was yesterday. And the girls don't have school and are already on my last nerve! It is only 9:30am and I am wondering when Al gets home!

HER2 cancer

An interesting post on HER2 Cancer. This is the type of cancer I have.

http://thinkpinker.com/blog/2008/10/31/aggressive-breast-cancer-%e2%80%93-finally-answers/

I do want to mention that thanks to drugs like Herceptin (my once weekly infusion for the next year) this type of cancer is very aggressive but it is very curable.

It's The Hair

Yesterday was the day my hair finally really started coming out. The whole shaved head thing was difficult for me. I really thought I was going to be OK with it but walking around looking like Annie Lenox did not work for me. The first wig I bought on line looked silly. It was just too big for my head. So I went to the mall with my Mom today and bought 3 more. They are all fun in different ways. But because I had a major chemo infusion on Thursday I was totally out of it. Tired, dizzy, cranky, dopy beyond belief because of all the meds but Mom and I persevered. We even fit in a couple of outfits and pairs of shoes between her and I. Ahhh, retail therapy!

My sister-in-law (my husbands step-brothers wife, I know it's complicated) is my savior. She is a massage therapist on top of being one of those types of people who know what I am going to say before I say it. She is simply too good to me! She has offered to give me a massage tomorrow which has really helped with my state of mind. Because I have been feeling a little down (vs. my happy and positive all the time for no good damn reason)

I have been trying to proactively address fighting depression using meditation and massage. I feel as though it has helped. It is hard to be good to yourself when you have 3 kids, a new house you still feel as though is not yours yet, a full time stressful job, weekly plus infusions, a barrage of constant Dr. appointments, I have to stop there or I will through myself over the edge! Who has time to take care of you?

It's the hair, I feel like the freak cancer patient walking around with no hair. Oh well, welcome to my new world.

Good night friends!! Love you!!

The Second Opinion

October 17, 2008
A lot of catching up to do!! I have completely changed my course of treatment. The past several days have been a flurry of Dr. Appointments, tests, port placements, STRESS, anxiety, and my favorite, anticipation. I went to another surgeon for a second opinion. This Dr. also happens to be my parents neighbor and works with many Dr.s I know through my job. So the personal connection is there. AND this new surgeon happens to work with a team of women that are amazing! Young, VERY current and cutting edge in the literature, new approaches which brings me to my complete change. I am skipping the lumpectomy, starting with chemotherapy and in February I will be getting my bilateral mastectomy.

When I went to surgeon #2, now #1, she told me about this new approach of chemo before surgery, neo adjuvent chemotherapy. This made so much sense to me. Kill everything possible first then perform the bilateral and reconstructive surgery. Only one surgery and no radiation, unless of course there are positive nodes.

Getting to this point was a struggle. Informing my previous surgeon's office was nerve racking. I felt loyal to her but my new surgeon and oncologists approach is so logical to me. The two new physicians have an incredible report with each other. My confidence in their knowledge is off the charts (no pun intended).

So, less than 2 weeks after my second opinion appointment I had my port placement. Not so easy, it is surgery, you are SORE after and the pain meds are crucial. Forget sleeping comfortably for at least 3 weeks.

And today, October 17th I have received my first chemotherapy treatment. Right now I feel as if I am sitting in the calm before the storm but I actually feel OK. Mom, my rock, my best friend, my biggest advocate, sat in the transfusion room with me for 8 hours not once complaining about the shitty ass little chair she had to sit in. She so comforted me and gave me the strength to laugh and make the most out of the quality time we had together today. She is my hero.

I love my girls, they are so beautiful and each one is supportive in their own meaningful ways. The day I had my surgery for the port placement I came home pretty beat up. My middle child sensed my pain and grogginess immediately and cleaned the entire house LITERALLY from top to bottom. She did not do this act of kindness to receive accolades, she did it simply to help me feel better. Such a beautiful selfless act of kindness. My oldest sat on my bed and rubbed my feet and shared positive, uplifting, kind conversation with me. The foot rub she gave me allowed me to release tension from the rest of my body. The way she rubs my feet is so intuitive, she can identify pressure points and it literally feels like all the built up stress just releases with every thoughtful stroke of her fingers. It helped me to fall off into a very restful sleep. And my baby, she is so concerned and yet too young to know what she can do to help. She has been VERY clingy and is always asking bout how the Dr. is going to make me better. I have more to catch up on but am ready to sleep after this first day of chemo, one down 3 more to go. Good Night!

Life Is Beginning to Feel More Normal

Life is beginning to feel more normal. The people who make up my support system are amazing. Of course my fabulously talented surgeon #1, the confident, peaceful, calm, reassuring air she walks into the room with is like hitting the refresh button for me. After I talk to her I can walk out of her office knowing I will Kick this.

And then there is my Mom. Funny, they used to call her father "The Rock." That rings true for her as well. No matter what is going on in her personal (like what is that?) life she drops everything to go with me to EVERY appointment. She made phone calls to get me into the surgeon I wanted my second opinion from. She acts so tough but I can see this is eating her up inside. De ja vu from when she did all of the same things for her sister. She (my Mom's sister) was 36 at diagnosis and 38 at death. I am 39, haunting because we were both diagnosed with lumps on the left side after our third child. That and the age thing. Thank God for the 20 years plus of research that has occurred since we lost my Aunt. Technology and what we know now is dramatically different. Either way I am me and not her. Mom is my Rock and without her I would be a dramatically different person.

My Husband, I know when I am out of commission becuase of my surgeries he will make it all work. He has been crazy with organizing the household. I am so grateful for every little and big thing he can do. He is scared too, I can tell.

My father is scared into his normal state of avoiding talking directly about what is going on. That is fine, he will come around, it just takes him time to formulate what he thinks will be a successful approach to handling something WAY out of his comfort zone.

My two brothers, if every I had a doubt about the depth at which they love me.... The come to visit any chance they get.

My sister in-law (Married to My Brother MTMB), My sista!!! I have so enjoyed having her as my sista. Supportive, helpful, fun, she covers the gamut! She drags my ass out to have fun, I love her for that.

My former boss and fabulous friend with his two word philosophy on how I will handle this. Humor and Confidence Humor and Confidence Humor and Confidence Humor and Confidence

We had lunch today. Funny how in times of crisis, I don't like that work but, you find out how your best friends are. He fits in that category.

My colleagues at work, my Board Members, people who I work near and dear with. My wonderfully supportive neighbors. I am so lucky I have my dream family house to be sick and recover in. My beautiful girls are in as close to ideal school & day care situation / environemtn as I could imagine.

My friends from the girls previous day care. These people love my children as if they are their blood. I hope I never lose sight of how lucky I am to have all of these beautiful people around me.

Telling the girls

September 26, 2008
This journey begins on the night I tell my 3 girls I have breast cancer. The day I got my MRI results and found out about a second mass I delved into retail therapy. It will be a miracle if we don't end up bankrupt!! I was at one of my favorite stores when I got a phone call with the results from the MRI. I immediately filled my shopping cart up with gifts for the girls. $111 worth of dress up clothes and doo-hickeys of the girly variety. I decided I would tell them THE NEWS and then give them a "Your Mommy has breast cancer" gift bag. So my husband and I told them after dinner. My little middle child syndrome (MCS) thought it was hilarious Mommy was going to lose all her hair, "yep-er-doodles." My oldest was reserved and asked if it was OK if she cried at school and the youngest was totally focused on the gift bag. Overall it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Today I also found out my pre-op screening is on September 30, 2008; my lumpectomy is on 10/9/08 and I have to wait a while longer for my plastic surgery consultation and my perky little C's. I called a dear friend today and she was rendered speechless. She was floored. That seems to be how most people react.